Picture of the Day: 

A beautiful sunset in downtown Dunedin--a little bit of paradise.

Quote of the Day: 

"An artist is always alone--if he is an artist. No, what the artist needs is loneliness."

-Henry Miller

Hello again! I have returned to this blog at an odd hour (I kid you not, it is 1:58 in the morning!) because I simply cannot sleep. It is not that I am not tired--no, dear reader, I am exhausted. Nonetheless, thoughts are barraging my mind and I cannot seem to find any glimmering hope of reprieve or rest. And, I must confess, that none of these thoughts are good, pleasant, or otherwise healthy. In fact, they are eating at me, like a carnivorous foe--and I cannot seem to escape. So, with the hopes of somehow freeing my mind from its ailment or distracting myself long enough to succumb to quiet slumber, I have come to speak on little things here and there and perchance give you another look at the latest noveling endeavors I am facing. 

ATTENTION: Below is some darker material. If you wish to skip over my bipolar depression issues and life situations, then feel free to skip down to where you see more bold, large print. I will not be offended--this blog is for writing, not personal blurbs. Nonetheless, this week, they are very much tied together.

Samwise, my dog and best freind, is sick once more. I must say that the little man spends more time in the vet than at home, and more time sick than healthy. I suppose that comes with the horrible birthright of being a spaniel. Nonetheless, my pocket is hurting for all the money I have spent taking him to the vet, and there is still no answer as to what is wrong with him. He has been vomiting for close to two weeks straight now, and the medicine the vet has given him has done nothing to help. Quite frankly, it has left me in a sour mood, and drained me of all will to write anything. My mind keeps sneaking back to the thought of having to put him down, and I know that I am just simply not ready or mentally able to handle such a devastating blow. He is my best friend, and the only being in the world that loves me day in and day out, bipolar depression aside. He is the only being that gets excited when I walk in through the front door and make eye contact with him. He is, I am certain, as close to a soul mate as I am ever going to find, and just knowing that he is ill (perhaps irreparably so) makes me extremely depressed. 

I cannot help but think he is just sick enough that the vet will suggest relieving him of his suffering. After all, he now has developed an intense repertoire of diseases he has--the least of which is epilepsy. It seems unfair that I should find the one thing that loves me, and would love me, until the day he dies, and he might just be too sick for me to keep. I have shed many tears over the matter--and it has yet to do me any bit of good. I try to keep reminding myself that things happen for a reason, but all I see is a life that is a mess, one that is doomed to be lonely, empty of achievement and ultimately pointless. 

I have considered going back and working some more on that piece that I started a while ago, the one that recounted what it feels like for me to wake up in the morning with this nasty disease. I am not sure what else I will be adding to it, though I must say that I need to get something cathartic going on soon before I completely go mad. I have noticed that my styles in music have changed ever so slightly, as have my preferences in past times and my beliefs. For instance, I have always been an avid music fan. My iPod is a saving grace, and carries a little piece of my soul, a little piece of Heaven and the comfort of a friend. Just yesterday I was thinking about it--yes, if I am alone in my room the earbuds are near glued to my ears. However, my number one song played went from this Rascal Flatts song:

Closely followed by this song by the amazing Josh Turner: 


To these two songs listed below. 
At number one, we have this: 
Never Too Late - Three Days Grace

At number two? 
Diary of Jane - Breaking Benjamin

Needless to say, something drastic is going on, and until just recently I did not notice. I have added songs to my iPod and daily music playlist that are more rock/alternative based than anything else. I have also added a song by Eminem and Rihanna called "Love the Way You Lie" to my constant stream of music--and that is a song about an abusive relationship. A song about an abusive relationship that Eminem ends with the line: "And if she ever f*****g tries to leave again, I am gonna tie her to the bed and set the house on fire." Yeah, quality stuff. 
I have taken to watching gory-er, darker things. I have taken to reading stories that are quite a bit questionable than any of my other reading material. I have written darker stuff, too. For instance, I have completely jotted down a rough draft for every sad/super bloody scene in my pirate novel already. It is what I have felt able to write, and it is what is giving me the most satisfaction. 
Now, I haven't started wearing all black, and I haven't started cutting--yet. Though, I shall admit that perhaps my mind contemplates the thoughts of suicide more often now than ever before. I cannot seem to understand or find a purpose for myself beyond the grim idea that I am simply an experiment; that God put me here, on this earth, as a bet. That Satan and the Lord have a bet running to see how long it will take me to just give up completely on everything and give over to the urge of taking those pills.
I am being careful. I am hardly speaking to people, for fear they begin to see how much I have changed. Though, I must admit it is hard to parade about like nothing has changed when I know a lot has. I have pretty much given up hope on things getting better; I have taken two brain maps and still nothing has turned around. Now, for those of you who do not know what a brain map is, it is a test where they hook a patient up to a brain-wave reader, ask you to do four different tasks, and then examine the pattern, size, frequency, etc, of your brain's wave activity to try and match you with a proper medication. 
Now, the first time I took it, the test came back saying I was a vegetable. No kidding, apparently two of my brain waves are the same pace as a person who is in a coma. So, they sent me back for testing--again. Both tests have recommended Welbutrin as my most compatible match for medication. This has greatly disheartened me, since I have tried Welbutrin before (I was on it for a year and a half or so!) and it did absolutely nothing. At all. 
So, as you can imagine, I have been greatly disheartened on that battlefront as well. If my depression never clears, I never have a hope of accomplishing anything I actually want to accomplish. It is a sad, frustrating feeling which has led me to think again about the short piece I posted for you to read some weeks ago. Maybe, then, you will be getting an update on that sometime soon. Perhaps a revision, or a story idea to go along with it. However, for now you will have to be satisfied with some other work I have done. 


IF YOU HAVE SKIPPED THE ABOVE, the coast is now clear. Read on merrily for an update with the pirate novel!
So I have promised a little update on the pirate novel, and specifically on the evolution of the idea of the greaterpus. I have settled on this idea, and have basically made a Kraken infinitely better. These animals--or monsters as some would say--are beautiful and hard to find. They are born small, no bigger than a normal octopus, though from the very beginning they are very different. They have nine arms instead of eight, and only come colored in the same shades as precious gemstones. So, while officially called marapna (meaning many armed in Old Norse!), many sailors call them "The Jewels of the Sea". 
They are smart, crafty and shy, making them a rare sighting and even rarer friend. They have some very special abilities too--and it makes them a valued prize for any seafarer or collector. However, there is only one pirate ship in existence that can boast a marapna crew member, and they would not trade her for anything.
Now, if allowed to fully mature in the wild, marapna can very well get to be the size of a kraken. However, if the marapna lives somewhere without much space, it will mature at a much smaller size. They are, in a sense, like turtles: they grow to their surroundings. 
Quite valuable, my marapna. And certainly a wonderful addition to Prince Liam's adventure--he shall not soon forget those creatures, mark my words! 
I am not sure I can say too much more about them (I must, I am afraid, be very wary of theft and the like!) so you shall have to let this satiate you for a while, reader. Perhaps I will be able to speak on them again some other day! I know that these marapna shall not disappoint. They are quite special to me, and I owe their creation to my lovely sister who sometimes has better ideas than me! 
Also, before I close out completely, I would like to put up a song that has made it to my "inspiration list"---do you remember me starting that so long ago? Reader, it has been too long since I have updated it and brought you something new to listen to. So, with that being said, I would like to put this up for your listening pleasure!!


Sail On - Masterplan
This particular song definitely makes me think of my pirate novel! It is strong, adventurous, and purposeful. I like it! I can almost imagine their adventures and battles with sea monsters listening to this! Do enjoy--perhaps soon I shall decide if I want to do character introductions for you to take a look at. Some things must stay secret, of course, and this is why I am debating the value of a half-done introduction to some characters. 
Either way, I shall see you again soon, reader. Happy writing.