Picture of the Day:
Samwise and the Duck on the floor of the dining room.
Quote of the Day:
"The day, water, sun, moon, night--I do not have to purchase these things with money."
-Plautus
Hello, my dearest readers! Today I have an update that is actually pertinent to my writing! I have been working a bit (finally!) on the pirate novel, and I must say that I am quite pleased with the opening so far. Nonetheless, there is one paragraph that is just driving me a little bit crazy. For some reason, it does not seem to be reading right. There is something I am specifically trying to do with it, and I am not entirely sure if it is working out or not. So, here is the paragraph for you to read. Then, in the comments, let me know what it is about the piece that is just a bit awkward. (I know there is something off, I just cannot put my finger on it.)
This is a paragraph from Chapter One, right at the beginning, narrated by Prince Liam. It is as follows:
But, today's update will not solely be to make you work! No--I do believe I shall introduce another ship today. This one has no affiliation with the Royal Navy at all! Meet the Rapier. She is a fast little frigate with enough gun-power to make any pirate or navy crew wary, and a captain that is notoriously one of the most ruthless on the Veliarian seas. She looks something along the lines of this:
Okay. So, she is heavily armed, but fast nonetheless. Her captain, Frances "The Iron Angel" Steele is one of the greatest terrors of the open water, and the first pirate ship that our dear Liam comes into contact with when he finally gets a chance to explore the open waters. She has a large crew, full of the meanest and wiliest men imaginable. There is a reason Steele has the nickname "Iron Angel"; in combat, he makes angels of his opponents. The Rapier is also one of the ships that causes the navy the most trouble.
She has, on at least a few occasions, managed to escape even the Garroter in her pursuits.
The Rapier was, originally, a Bellumarian navy ship. Steele commandeered her, and keeps her as a prize, taunting the navy with her use. Now, though, there is nothing left about her that is reminiscent of her time in service to the Bellumarian king, and she is completely and utterly a pirate's ship now.
Her name derives from the sword of the same title, a fancy and quick little weapon that it used as much for show as it is for thrusting swordplay.
I do apologize that I cannot go into too much more detail for this particular ship, either. Still, I do hope interest is piqued over the rest of the fleet I have in my novel! More than this, though, I do wish to apologize for such a short entry. It is not that I am neglecting my writing, I assure you! Merely that I have much going on.
So in closing, if you have only recently joined me on my writing journey, I am going to provide links back to the two entries I have done previous regarding ships from this novel. So, if you are at all interested, please venture further and meet two mighty ships of the Veliarian Navy!
This is a paragraph from Chapter One, right at the beginning, narrated by Prince Liam. It is as follows:
I had locked myself away in my chambers in an attempt to both buy myself some privacy and to thoroughly utilize my large bay window as the perfect location to bask in what breeze danced by. From my perch I could see the lapping waves, the rocky crags that stilted my father’s castle, a merchant ship that was coming to port, and part of the harbor nearby. The docks were positively humming with action and conversation, and while I could not make out precise words for my distance away, I was utterly pleased to listen to the volleying shouts and laughter as it wafted up from below. I watched the sailors with an envious eye; the fishermen and merchants that peopled the docks seemed relatively undeterred by the sun’s heat, though their ensembles showed their adaptations. Vests and tunics had been shed and left strewn about, disrupting the brown of the wood with splashes of color. In some cases undershirts had been left as well, dropped amongst the other garments to be reclaimed later. I was covetous of their freedom; I was clad up to my neck in a stiff doublet, trapped in the confines of my father’s walls like some sort of animal in a menagerie.I am cautious to use the word menagerie, so comments on whether that word is a good fit or not could be quite useful to me as well.
But, today's update will not solely be to make you work! No--I do believe I shall introduce another ship today. This one has no affiliation with the Royal Navy at all! Meet the Rapier. She is a fast little frigate with enough gun-power to make any pirate or navy crew wary, and a captain that is notoriously one of the most ruthless on the Veliarian seas. She looks something along the lines of this:
Here she is, caught in the heat of battle! (Ignore the French flag.) I promise, the Rapier wins. Always.
Okay. So, she is heavily armed, but fast nonetheless. Her captain, Frances "The Iron Angel" Steele is one of the greatest terrors of the open water, and the first pirate ship that our dear Liam comes into contact with when he finally gets a chance to explore the open waters. She has a large crew, full of the meanest and wiliest men imaginable. There is a reason Steele has the nickname "Iron Angel"; in combat, he makes angels of his opponents. The Rapier is also one of the ships that causes the navy the most trouble.
She has, on at least a few occasions, managed to escape even the Garroter in her pursuits.
The Rapier was, originally, a Bellumarian navy ship. Steele commandeered her, and keeps her as a prize, taunting the navy with her use. Now, though, there is nothing left about her that is reminiscent of her time in service to the Bellumarian king, and she is completely and utterly a pirate's ship now.
Her name derives from the sword of the same title, a fancy and quick little weapon that it used as much for show as it is for thrusting swordplay.
I do apologize that I cannot go into too much more detail for this particular ship, either. Still, I do hope interest is piqued over the rest of the fleet I have in my novel! More than this, though, I do wish to apologize for such a short entry. It is not that I am neglecting my writing, I assure you! Merely that I have much going on.
So in closing, if you have only recently joined me on my writing journey, I am going to provide links back to the two entries I have done previous regarding ships from this novel. So, if you are at all interested, please venture further and meet two mighty ships of the Veliarian Navy!
There you have it, folks! Progress you can see!
Well...sort of.
Hi, Katie. I'm proud of your dedication to your writing! But I may need some more information here. At first, I wondered why such an epic tale was described using so many flippant words—especially adverbs. But I don't know Prince Liam very well yet. Is he a feminine and naive prince? If so, he sounds perfect. Is he a dark, grudge-holding man who loves adventure? If so, don't be afraid to take out your Writer's Machete in order to make him sound more serious and his journey more epic. Is he outwardly a prince but inwardly he craves the adventure of a common sailor? I would carefully play with the amount of words he uses along this spectrum to shed light on how his character changes.
ReplyDeleteI think wordiness is a feminine quality for a character. If you're trying to make him sound more masculine, you can especially get rid of empty descriptor words like "positively" and "utterly," and also the adjective "perfect." Sentence 1 is a bit much in even a general, non-characterization sense. Is he anxious or out of breath? Unless he really needs the air or doesn't want to be seen, it's too fast. And then he goes into some thoughtful description, which wouldn't make sense. A technique for slowing down Sentence 2 could be to split it up, since 4 clauses is the most you should have—but that's on your aesthetic judgment. I am also operating under the assumption that he is storytelling by using the word "had," but the tense is not constant throughout. This could account for some of the oddness.
"Volleying" is a great word. So is "Menagerie," as it takes the colors mentioned on the wooden deck and juxtaposes them into something sinister. It also bears influence from what I'm assuming is his old life—life in a castle. What he knows. This augments his covetousness tremendously and is a great simile!
I think there's a lot of depth here. Prince Liam goes from being relaxed and "utterly pleased" to being "envious," "covetous," trapped, and resentful of his father. Do I detect that he will be a dynamic character? ;)
Thanks for sharing. I'd be excited to learn later what you're trying to do with the paragraph, and what your book is going to about about!
Love,
Cristina
I think it's a good paragraph, it just has some room for vivid detail to give a clearer picture. Here is the paragraph with my personal fixings (although, of course, there's so many things you could do with it :)
ReplyDeleteI had locked myself away in my chambers in a desperate attempt to buy some time; utilizing my large bay window as the perfect place to bask in the sea air, I settled beneath the sill and turned my longing gaze into the breeze. From my perch, I could see the lapping waves, the rocky crags that stilted my father’s castle, a merchant ship as it lay anchor, and a pocket of harbor to the east. The docks were positively bustling with action and conversation, and while I could not make out precise words from such a distance, I was refreshed by the sounds of laughter and volleying shouts as they wafted up from below. Following the bow of the newly docked ship to its stern, I watched the sailors with an envious eye; On the docks, merchants and fisherman peopled the long walkways and various stands, where their booming voices bartered their day’s catchings with people as they pressed by. No one seemed deterred by the sun’s heat, though their ensembles showed their adaptations: Vests and tunics had been shed and left strewn about, disrupting the weathered brindle with splashes of color. In some cases, undershirts had been left as well, dropped amongst the other garments to be reclaimed later. I was covetous of their freedom; I was clad up to my neck in a stiff doublet, trapped in the confines of my father’s walls like an animal in some sort of menagerie.
- Hannah :)